The Boat

Whoa! These fingers are rusty! It's been over a year since my last post. That's kinda sad. It's not that I haven't been writing. I have, a lot, actually, but I just haven't been formally sharing my inner thoughts with the world. Sometimes I want to share and sometimes I feel my thoughts are sacred, to be shared with only God and I. It somehow feels more special that way.

We just got through a commune Thanksgiving. It was lovely. We shared it with the 4 of us in the commune plus my mother-in-law and father-in-law and my brother-in-law, sister-in-law, and there two beautiful daughters. Side note, they are now teenagers which is slight terrifying due to the fact that they walked as flower girls in my wedding eight years ago. At that time they were adorable, pudgy cheeked little girls. Now they are beautiful dancers and soccer players and they wear bras and stylish clothes and makeup and I'm their old Aunt that says, "I remember when you were little girls in my wedding...blah...blah...blah", but I digress....

Today I felt compelled to share something that I wrote last night. I'm not sure why I want to share it, but here I am.....
Over the course of the last year and a half God has been teaching me a lot about who I am. He has been using this communal living situation to strip away some not so nice things that really needed to go. At times, It's been downright hard/painful but I'm learning to appreciate the journey over the final destination. I'm learning to appreciate the God I serve who loves me so much that he doesn't want to leave me where he found me. He wants to grow me and stretch me and challenge me to become more like his son, Jesus. Through the course of this last year I've learned a lot about myself, who I am, what my gifts are, where my passions lie, and how I want to spend what little time I have living life to the fullest. Yes, the commune has spurred much of this on in my life. Another way that God has been growing me is he's been giving me perspective and the eyes to see and even appreciate differences in my commune members. I'm not sure why it's so hard for me to accept that people don't have to be just like me. I'm not sure why I struggle with being judgmental of others actions? The truth is, if we were all the same, with the same personalities, the same goals, and the same gifts, and passions, this world would be downright boring and we'd probably never accomplish anything because we wouldn't have others to counter our weaknesses with their strengths.

I apologize. I'm REALLY rambling today. I'm gonna get down to sharing what I originally wanted to share. Here it is. Please, be kind......I'm rusty. :)

The Boat

Matthew 14:22-33

Today I am contemplating the story of Jesus walking on the water and his disciple, Peter, jumping into the water to meet him. I relate to and LOVE Peter in this moment. It seems he’s the kind of guy who is a bit impulsive. He leaps before he looks. He leaps before he has the time to think. Sometimes I am just like Peter. His heart for following Jesus with a kind of recklessness speaks to a place in my soul. I so love Peter in this story. It seems that his heart is in the right place. He knows what it’s like to be in the presence of God, and now that he knows it, he wants nothing more than to be right by Jesus, wherever he would call him. He’s willing. He’s ready. Wherever Jesus is, that’s where he wants to be.

There are those in life who are too scared to get out of the boat. They are what I call, "The Freezers". They need to heed Jesus’ call to “come”. They need a proverbial shove. "The Freezers" can wait for that perfect moment for so long that they actually miss it when God calls them out upon the water. What is it holding them back? I don’t know. I believe it is probably fear, the fear of the unknown. That water, it looks pretty dark and deep and cold! Who knows what could be lurking underneath that blackness. What if Jesus isn’t really there to catch me?  What if I get hurt? What if I drown? What if I get lost? What if I’m mistaken? What if Jesus isn’t really calling me out onto the water? What if? What if? What if? "The Freezers" will question and “what if” themselves into a fearful paralysis of inaction. They have become frozen, frozen in fear.

There are those of us in life that are eager to jump out of the boat. They are what I call, "The Jumpers". I am a jumper. I am always ready, with my feet on the bow, ready. I keep jumping out of the boat. Where Jesus is, that’s exactly where I want to be. If he's walking on the water, I'm goin' there too! I leap. I am willing. I don’t always look. Often times in my excitement I preemptively come out of that boat. I haven’t earned my walking-on-water-legs yet. I forget to wait for Jesus’ call. I keep jumping out yelling for him, “Jesus! Jesus! Here I am! Send me! I’m ready!” And he keeps telling me, “Abby! Get back in that boat! Stop jumping out! It’s not time! You’re not ready for what I have for you yet! They’re not ready for this yet! I’m making a way. We are making a way together but it’s simply not time yet. Get back in that boat!”

From the outside "The Jumper" looks very brave, but when you look a little bit closer you can discern that "The Jumper" is often buried in just as much fear as "The Freezer". "The Jumper" in me can often be filled with anxiety and fear. To be sure, it’s a different kind of fear than "The Freezer", but it's fear none the less. There is a fear of missing out on what God has for me, a fear of looking back in regret over a life not lived to it’s fullest potential, a fear that other’s fears will hold me back, a fearful need to figure it all out, a deep need to know how God will orchestrate all the pieces, from my human perspective it doesn’t make sense. I want it now. If I’m not careful I can start looking to my own way. Just like Peter I can easily take my eyes off of Jesus. I begin to try to orchestrate the pieces my way and just like Peter, when I take my eyes off of Christ I sink.

So, I get impatient and I jump. Jumping before His perfect timing is just as disobedient as not jumping. Both "The Jumper" and "The Freezer" are looking to their own way, their own interests, desires, and wants. "The Jumper" doesn't wait on the Lord and "The Freezer" just keeps waiting. They are unable to take hold of God’s hand because they are too busy clutching at their own way. They are unwilling to let go of their own control, look to him,  and trust him with every detail. 

There is absolute purpose and joy in the journey. I must remember this. So, for today, I climb back into my boat. Today I will not jump. I will rest in him and in the truth that the God of this universe, the Alpha & the Omega, the great I AM can surely handle and remove all obstacles. He can surely trim and prune what needs trimming and pruning in my life and those around me. He can open and close any doors along the path that he so chooses. He will make a way. He is the God of yesterday, today, and tomorrow and especially of this moment right here. Right now. So, for today God has tenderly placed me back in my boat, he has lovingly dried me off, and he has reassured me again (with the endless patience that only he possesses) that I am right where he wants me to be. Right in this moment. Right now.

I am leaning on Him, trusting that whatever he has planned for my future and the future of the commune he will bring it to pass and no one will stand in his ways. 

These are the words of Him who is holy and true, who holds the key of David. What he opens no one can shut, and what he shuts no one can open. I know your deeds. See, I have placed before you an open door that no one can shut.

–Revelation 3:7 & 8

Enough is ENOUGH.

OK, so this post is going to be slightly off topic as it's really not about communal living, but in light of my current trip to Zambia and a surprise stop over in Ethiopia, I feel compelled to write this post. So, here I go.

I have to say, I find this time of year quite perplexing. The more, more, MORE, give me more attitude that has become pervasive in our society has reached epic proportions. The greed that is so often present in myself and others is out of control. Sadly, it only seems to get worse during the one time of year when it should be at it's best. This time of year should be about being more generous with our time and material blessings. It should be about feeling grateful and blessed, but it often feels just the opposite. One of my friends recently posted on facebook that perhaps we should change the name of Thanksgiving to Black friday eve. He was being facetious but I can certainly see his point. We are bombarded everywhere we turn with images of all the things that we must have in order to be cool and fit in or in order to look sexy and find a mate or in order to make our children happy and be a good parent. Black friday has become ingrained in american culture. It's practically a holiday in itself.  As my friend was pointing out it seems to be overshadowing the holiday in which we are suppose to stop and say we are thankful and have more than enough. Apparently we can pay our lip service and be thankful for 12 hours but come Friday we will be out in stores wide-eyed, cranky, grabbing, and trampling anyone who gets in our way of that new plasma T.V. It's disturbing.

In the aftermath of recently visiting two 3rd world countries I find this societal paradigm downright appalling. Please understand that I am not here writing this with some kind of holier then thou attitude. I too have been victim of the never enough culture. Heck, I even did black friday once. Side note, that was a terrible mistake never to be repeated. Anyway, I too have felt ungrateful and even downright discontent with the many, many material blessings that have been showered upon me. I'm embarrassed to say that I have complained. I've gotten caught up in the I NEED this or that. If I just have this one more thing (fill in the blank with certain material item) I will finally be fulfilled. But it never stops. It never ends. It never fills us up to the point where we can say I'm fulfilled. I don't want anymore. The truth is THINGS will never fulfill us. We were created for relationship, called to give of ourselves, and to see others as better than ourselves. To give until it hurts. So, it's no wonder that gimme, gimme, gimme has never once filled anyone up to the point of being satisfied. Sure, perhaps it made you feel good in the moment but it always fades and you have to find even more things to fill up that void. It's a vicious cycle. It is only when we step out of ourselves, ask God where we can be used and how we can take what we have been given and lavish it on others. It is only when we give of our time and financial resources that we find true joy and satisfaction. This is where the true blessings in life are found.

So, personal story time. Re-immerison into our culture has not been without it's own set of challenges and episodes of reverse culture shock. Shortly after returning from Africa I took a trip to my local T.J Maxx. Being the bargain shopper that I am I generally love stoping at this particular store to peruse the racks and see what thing I can buy. Because I deserve it, right? I work hard and why shouldn't I have that new pair of shoes or top? Am I not entitled to it? (sigh) All of the sudden, as I was walking the racks it felt like time had slowed and I was sitting back watching some kind of slow motion picture of myself and the other people in the store. No one was doing anything particularly "wrong" but as I looked around I just felt empty. A feeling of greed and sorrow filled my soul. I thought of all the children I had played with in Africa. Their clothing threadbare. Their shoes with holes. With only one outfit to their name they played, ate, and slept in the same thing day, after day, after day. Right there in that T.J Maxx, in that very moment, I stood and sobbed. I sobbed for the endless waste of money and time that I and my fellow Americans have frittered away time and again that could have been used to help someone less fortunate, that could have provided a meal or schooling or books. That could have been used to provide justice for a young girl taken up in the sex trafficking trade. That could have gone to the local food pantry or prison outreach program. The list goes on and on. I don't have any idea who those people in that T.J Maxx were that day. I have no idea where they give and where they don't. I have no idea what's inside their hearts. I don't even claim that the act of shopping is inherently bad, but what I do see is a country, a people, (and I'm including myself in this) who are so caught up in their own tiny, narcissistic corner of the world that they miss opportunity after opportunity to  look beyond themselves and their own selfish gains for just long enough to see a world outside of them that is hurting and in need of real, financial, and palatable help. A world that extends far beyond the four walls of their home and the newest toy they have bought for themselves or a loved one. A world in which even those who would be considered "poor" by American standards are actually quite rich compared to the rest of the world. A world that is filled with desperation, and hunger, and violence, and injustice, and torture, and slavery, and oppression, and real life suffering. What if we all set down our yoga mats and our starbucks lattes just long enough to think about the world outside of our teeny tiny corner? What if we stopped long enough to realize that we don't need one more thing to make us happy or fulfill us. Could we finally say enough really IS enough? Could we finally start to give more of ourselves in order that we could find what it means to truly be blessed and to bless others?

In this never enough country how can I/we make a daily stand and say we have more than enough? We don't need one more thing. As the holiday season approaches I challenge all of us, myself included, to take a step back from the marketing and the holiday hype to see that we have more than enough, far more than most of the world will ever see or have. Out of that overflow of more than enough let's see how we can give away a bit more of our time, a bit more of our attention, and a lot more of our financial resources to those around us who really and truly are in need.

FREE to be ME

Free to be me. 

This is my new mantra in the house. It applies to me but it also applies to everyone else in the house. EVERYone, in this krazy Kurtz Kommune, should be fully able to be fully authentic and fully themselves at all times. It's application to everyone else in the house will likely be a whole blog in of itself. Stay tuned for that one. That one will be all about me learning how not to be a judgmental asshole. Should be a fun one!

This is a snapshot of my mantra posted in my bathroom. I love to plaster verses and messages to myself all over mirrors and other obvious spots in my home. Visitors in my home must think I'm certifiably insane, but whatever, I'm just being me!

Anyway, It's strange to me how much the presence of others can influence who I am and how I behave. Sometimes this can be a good thing, like in the case of my mouth and needing to SHUT it from time to time. But I digress. The point is that I've had this epiphany that I was feeling oppressed and I was MAD about it, like seething mad and frequently irritated with everyone around me. As you can imagine, that was super pleasant to be around. I just felt suffocated, like I woke up one morning and realized that my head had been held under water for the last 4 months. Yes, it took me several months to figure this out because I'm kinda slow on the uptake when it comes to figuring out my true feelings. I was struggling with feeling like my personality was not welcome and I was blaming my feelings on everyone else in the house. Yeah. I'm really good at the blame game. I learned that one from my parents. It's not one of my best traits. But yeah, the truth is, that while some of what I was feeling from the others around me may have been real, most of it was all projection based on what I was feeling and battling inside. Some of it was likely coming from very real things going on around me, but much of it was perception based on my own inability to be completely authentic with who I am regardless of who is around me at any given time.

The realization that I truly am free to be me has been completely freeing. (Wow. That was heavy use of the word free in one sentence!) It probably seems really obvious to everyone reading this blog. Well duh! Why wouldn't you be yourself? It's silly not to be! Yes. I know that, but it's so easy for me to squelch myself based on my own perception of what personality characteristics in myself will be acceptable and unacceptable to those around me. I've gotten way better at it with age but it's still a frequent struggle.

So, here I am 5 months into this living situation trying to take back some pieces of myself, some parts of me that I felt like I allowed to get lost in the shuffle of learning to live in community with 2 new people + my hubs. See how I put the blame on myself for allowing it to happen and not on anyone else?? eh? eh? By Golly! She can learn something!

Some things about myself that I'm taking back:

- The me that LOVES to laugh and laugh RIDICULOUSLY loud (Ktina, you know what I'm talking about). I do. I love to laugh obnoxiously, people-stop-what-they-are-doing-and-stare-at-me loud. It's amazing and I love it. I'm taking it back.

-The me that loves to listen to music at all times and all hours of the day. I enjoy music. I like all kinds. I like to sing it at the top of my lungs. I like to belt it out all over the house and I like to sing it in my car. There is rarely a moment in my day when a song isn't going through my head. I love music. I'm taking it back.

-The me that enjoys doing dumb stuff simply for the entertainment factor of it. Yes. I am easily entertained/amused. Pump up some MC Hammer and do the running man all over the house? Yes please! Have an entire day in which I speak only with a British accent? Bloody heck, Yes! I'm taking it back.

-The me that loves to be a hostess. I have the gift of hospitality. I love a house that is full of bustle and chatter and laughter and excitement. I do not enjoy quiet. I love a good party. I want to have a house full of guests with food in their bellies and conversation on their lips, playing games, and truly enjoying one another's company. I like to make people feel welcome. I'm taking it back.

-The me that values raw, organic, and completely authentic emotion no matter how uncomfortable it can make the people around me. I've just spent so much of my life being told that my feelings were invalid that I'm over it. I'm ready to be real and to stop putting on that fake veneer of everything's all good all the time or whatever. If I'm overflowing with gladness I want to yell it out from the rooftops. If I'm aching with sadness from a recent pain, I want to share that and expose it. I just want to let emotions flow and not be afraid of their effect on everyone else around me. I'm taking it back.

-The me that lives for trying new things, meeting new people, eating new foods, engaging with others on a regular basis, laughing until my sides hurt, finding and exploring new towns and parks, adventuring outdoors, being active all of the time. I'm taking these back.

I feel like this blog isn't very cohesive but I guess what I'm really trying to say is that I'm moving towards a place of acceptance for who God created me to be. The me that is unique and special and created for a very unique purpose that only I can fulfill. No one else will do. I don't want to squelch that person anymore. I gotta be me!

For you created my inmost being; 

you knit me together in my mother's womb. 

I praise you because I am fearfully and 

wonderfully made; 

your works are wonderful, 

I know that full well. 

-Psalm 139:13-14

HARD doesn't mean BAD

Please let me try to explain.

I have come to the recent conclusion that we, as humans, associate something that is difficult or hard with being bad. There are TONS of things in life that are hard but are not inherently bad. In fact, I feel that the opposite is true. The things that are hard are typically GOOD. Maybe they don't feel good in the exact moment that you are experiencing them but with time and perseverance hard can be GOOD. 

This current observation that hard is associated with bad has come to my attention during recent conversations. 
Here is a quick snippet from current conversations:
Random person - "how's that whole commune thing goin'?"
Me - "it's hard."
Random person - "Gasp! Really? Ooh. Shoot. Sorry bout that. Ooopph. " (said with uncomfortable inflection)
The conversation goes on from here but I kinda chuckle inside each time because it strikes me as funny that we have trained ourselves to think that hard = bad.

Why do we think that the things that are hard in life should be avoided or purged with a fervor from our lives? In my personal experience the things that have been the most difficult have, when all is said and done, brought me the greatest joy and deepest reward. I believe wholeheartedly that the Kurtz Kommune is one of those things.

Let me list just a teeny-tiny sampling of some of the things in my life which have been difficult yet oh so worth every moment of hardship.

1. Marriage - this is quite possibly the hardest and best thing that I have ever done

2. Living in the Kurtz Kommune - quite possibly the 2nd hardest thing I've ever done and in all likelihood it will get harder before it gets easier

3. Forgiveness - of myself and of others who have hurt me. Incredibly, ridiculously hard and a continual work in progress.

4. Relationships of most any kind - Yes. Even friendship requires a lot of hard work

5. Training for athletic events - ouch! and freakin' amazing all at the same time!!!!

6. Owning a business - sometimes I think I'm a glutton for punishment because I've willingly owned and operated two businesses and will likely own many more before retirement. Business ownership is a seriously awesome learning/head bashing into the wall experience. No. Really. I Promise. It's amazing.

I could go on and on but I won't because I'm beginning to sense that you believe that reading this blog post is HARD and you're about to switch screens and move back over to Facebook. I can't blame you.

Anyhoo, When I look back I can see that if I had chose to flee from all the hard things in my life I would never have had the chance to experience the pure joy that was birthed out of those trials. I'm not kidding, joy and with that ultimate satisfaction has always resulted. If I had fled from the hard stuff I would have deprived myself of this gift. That would've really stunk.

Don't get me wrong here people. I'm not on a soap box. I'm telling you my story. I don't pretend to know yours. I also don't pretend for one second to think that I'm special because I have pushed through. 99% of it has not come from my own strength or will power or sheer awesomeness or whatever. My strength comes from The Lord, for when I have been my weakest, he has made me strong, not because of who I am, but because of who HE is. I am grateful for the hard parts of life and accept the challenge that there will be more of it in the future and, like the above, I will relish in the joy that I know is yet to come.

If you're in a season of hardship, I encourage you to push through because, like the Kommune, hard is GOOD, heck it can be better than good, it can be GREAT.

Two Are Better Than One

There is an old saying that my mother use to always say, "many hands make light work". This couldn't be more true in the ol' commune. There are some truly wonderful things about living in community and not the least of which is having more helpers around. I think that's why in the days of yore families had so many kids. It could also be related to the fact that children making it past their first year of life was an accomplishment, but I digress. The point is, there are some really wonderful things about living in community and I'd like to share some of them with you. Ladies take notice, it is absolutely wonderful to have another lady's hands around to help with the day to day tasks in the home.

Things that I LOVE about living in community:


1. Cooking becomes much less of a chore when you have another woman to plan meals and grocery shop with. They can also take up some of the burden when you have a night that you don't particularly feel like cooking.

2. This house is HUGE. I simply cannot imagine having to clean all 3000+ sq. ft. of it all by myself. Again, having another lady friend to take up some of that load makes all the difference

3. Having your best friends around all the time just makes life that much more enjoyable.

4. Having extra hands to do all the move in painting cuts project time in half.

5. There is very little opportunity for loneliness in this house as there is always someone to talk to, always someone to come out in the garage and chat with you whilst you paint a table.

6. All the household bills are cut in half. This also applies to the grocery bill and other home expenditures.

7. Having another lady in the house means twice the possibility of fresh baked goods lying around at all times.

8. Living in a community means that you constantly have a "go to" group of others to hang out with on Friday or Saturday nights.

9. When doing the home decorating it is nice to have a second pair of eyes and mind for creative thought.

Things that I DON'T LOVE (see how I didn't use hate there) about living in Community:

1. This one goes along with #3 up top. While #3 is quite nice, it can also be, at times, quite tiresome. There are days when you just want everyone to GO AWAY!!! Why are there people EVERYWHERE?!?!?!

2. Total exposure. There are no secrets when you live in this close of proximity.

3. Having another lady in the house means twice the possibility of fresh baked goods lying around at all times. Yes. This is a repeat from above. As you can imagine this is a double edged sword.

4. Food gets eaten up twice as fast. If you know me, you know i'm territorial about my food. Step back away from my cookies people!!

5. Everyone, except me, gets SUPER annoying at some point.

6. No more nude walkings about whenever you feel like it.

7. Everyone has an opinion on EVERYTHING. Just when you think that you've figured out just how you would do something or just where you would like to place something someone else tells you that they'd prefer it another way.

I'm sure there are more things, both good and bad, I will add them as I think of them.


In this arrangement I feel that the ladies have the upper hand. Sometimes I feel quite bad for the men. They now have two times the amount of nagging and two times the amount of ladies telling them what to do. wah wah wah.

Two are better than one because they have better return for their work. If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! 

-Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

Sticks and Stones

You know that old childhood saying about sticks and stones breaking bones but words not hurting? If not, here's a quick reminder:

"Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me"

 Picture some bratty kid saying that with their tongue sticking out. They'd also probably follow it up with some version of "nah nah nah nah boo boo!"

What a pile of bologna! As everyone has experienced, words can hurt just as deep as any bruise and sometimes worse because their scars are not outwardly noticeable.

Well unfortunately for me, OK it's not really unfortunate, but it is hard. God's got his eye on continuing to work on my sharp and prickly edges and he's using my fellow commune mates to expose where I need to change. I have too sharp of a tongue. I let hurtful words fly out of my mouth without giving a moments notice. It usually happens when I'm irritated or even pissed about something. I need to find the balance and learn to control my tongue. It's not that anger is bad. I think that we place a negative connotation around anger as an emotion. It too, like sadness or joy, is a valid emotion and one that Jesus himself even experienced. Seriously, read the story in Matthew about him flipping over tables at the temple. Dude was pissed. The difference is, Jesus didn't sin in his anger. Can't say the same about myself. Yipes! I need to learn how to express my anger in a more constructive manner and one that doesn't directly hurt other people.

The nasty part about this unveiling is that I have learned that I am extremely adept at giving a good tongue lashing. This is not a status that I am proud of having acquired. If I'm honest with myself, I probably started honing my skills many years ago and have worked pretty hard at them ever since.

Growing up, anger and rage were the only "allowed" emotions in my family. Sorrow, fear, and anxiety need not apply. For whatever reason, actively expressing those particular emotions was not allowed. These were always answered away and you were constantly given a reason for why you, in fact, did not have those particular feelings. In general, feelings weren't really allowed in our house but somehow anger and rage made the cut. Perhaps these emotions were OK because they shielded your vulnerable side. I can't really say.

At any rate, when you grow up in a family in which barking at one another and anger outbursts are a common occurrence you naturally begin to develop a pretty thick skin. As a result, you become desensitized to the power of your words. For many years I have often thought that everyone else should just toughen up and that they were the ones in need of a change, and not me. Surely, not me! Can we say pride much? Yeah well, as I've said it before God seems to have a sense of humor and he's pretty good at knocking us down a few notches when there's something that we need to change in our lives. My commune partners in crime have been brave enough to confront me with the times that I have hurt them and to make me aware that my words do have meaning and power. So, I went ahead and followed that up with a good punching in their face. um...what? Just kidding! Let me tell you though, confrontation really SUCKS, probably for them too. It's never easy to confront someone as you never really know how they will respond.

I wish that I could say that this realization has led to an immediate change of behavior. It has not. It is a work in progress. Isn't that life for ya? We're always a work in progress. I am currently trying to think of ways to allow my anger to come out. I don't want to suppress my anger, but at the same time it needs to come out in a less harmful manner.

Got any anger expulsion ideas for me? Here in the commune we have often joked about having a "freak out garage". You would go in there and scream your head off and them come back out feeling refreshed. Ha! I wonder if that would work? I've also always really wanted to break something. I would just love to have a cement wall that I could throw plates into, or better yet, delicate wine glasses. oooh.  Wouldn't that be rewarding? Only problem would be having the endless supply of glassware to break. That might get a little costly. How about something that I could yell out into the air that wouldn't be directed at any one person? Trust me, I can swear like a sailor so I'm trying to think of something that might not involve swear words. :)

I'll let you know if I come up with anything. In the meantime I'll leave you with the verse that has given me a lot of comfort during this time.

Being confident of this, that he who started a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus 

-Phillipians 1:6

What this verse means to me is that I can and will be able to change because of the work of grace. This is a huge encouragement to me. It's so easy to feel trapped and defeated, like we will never be any different, that we cannot change, but that my friends is a lie. 

True Confessions: Part 2

New flash: I'm not as awesome as I think I am. Crazy right? This absolutely astounding news has come to my blatant attention in the last 2 months. I have to admit that prior to this commune journey I have had the notion that I was slightly less than amazing all of the time. However, nothing will quite take the wind out of your sails and bring you a healthy dose of humility like living in community with 3 other adults.

I've come to the conclusion that living in community is not unlike going into a marriage relationship, except for one thing, the other's are much less willing than your actual marriage partner to take your crap. It's true. I do believe there is some amount of allowed manipulation and willing extension of denial between marriage partners. In essence, marriage partners are slightly more willing to let things slide or give the other person a bit more wiggle room with their behaviors. Now that I'm living with 2 other adults, besides my husband, there is total and unrelenting exposure. It's unavoidable when you live in this close of proximity to one another. I simply cannot hide from my personality flaws as easily as before. I can't ignore the times that I've hurt people or let words fly out of my mouth faster than my brain could process their magnitude. Having 3 people to hold you accountable for your behavior is much more sobering than what a mere partner could provide.

To some people this concept might sound horrible and I won't sugar coat it, it's not easy. It's been a HUGE adjustment for all of us. In some ways it is kind of horrible. It's horrible in the sense that no one likes to shed light on his or her own flaws. It's also horrible in the sense that it's painful to see your own power to harm another individual. On the other hand there is joy in knowing that my personality flaws are being refined in the fire. There is comfort in knowing that I am covered in grace by God. That each day is full of new mercies and that I am blessed enough to have 3 other people who have chosen to walk alongside me, to love me, even with my rough edges and prickles, and who care enough about me to challenge me, and see me grow and evolve as a person.

In closing, I wholeheartedly believe that God has a slightly twisted sense of humor. How could he not? I think that he lovingly enjoys the fact that he's brought 4 very different people, 2 separate families, together in one home to find their way. I think that our shenanigans probably bring a smile to his face on a regular basis. Together as one cohesive unit we are committed to this thing. We will struggle. We will celebrate. We will forgive.

As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another. 

Proverbs 27:17