True Confessions: Part 1

I have a confession to make. I now live in (and love) a home that I bought sight unseen. Come Again? Yes. You read that correctly. I went into a mortgage for a home that I never saw, save a few photos. Who would do that? A crazy person. That's who!

Boy does it feels good to get that off of my chest!  I've been walking around all these months carrying this deep, dark secret. OK. Maybe not, but you get the idea. It is somewhat unusual. Most people wouldn't do that but I'm kinda getting into the whole unusual thing these days. It's fun. You should try it too. It really makes people uncomfortable and I like that (making people uncomfortable, that is).

This is/was my first home purchase. I have never owned a home before, let alone a home that I never saw prior to purchase. I have also never lived in community before (there will be more on that later). The first time I saw my home (other than in photos) was the day that my hubby and I pulled up in the driveway after over 18 hours of travel from Boulder, Colorado.

I remember the feelings that I had as I saw my home for the first time. I remember how I felt as we pulled up after the arduous trip. There was relief. There was fear, excitement, anxiety, joy, anticipation, and then, as I crossed over the threshold of my new home, unequivocal gratitude. How could I? How could this be? How could humble, mortal, little ol' me deserve such blessing? This home was/is far more than I could have ever hoped for or dreamed. It was meant to be, just as living with my in-laws was meant to be. As I slowly walked through the home, taking it all in, I became overwhelmed by it all. I can only describe it again as extreme gratitude. I began to cry. They were tears of joy, tears of humility and, in all honesty, tears of extreme fatigue. After all, I had just driven half-way across the country to get to my new home. After 32 years I had finally come home and it felt great.

I do feel blessed to have this home. I do feel like there is a purpose to all of this. I look forward to finding out what the future holds for myself and my 3 other commune partners in crime. It remains to be seen. I look forward to walking the road and sharing some of it with you along the way. There is much to tell.

Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. Ephesians 3:20

Cat on a Hot Tin Roof - That's Me!

I am a ball of nerves. I'm not sleeping. I'm gorging myself on sugar. I'm having panic attacks. I'm sitting paralyzed with fear. I'm having irrational emotional outbursts. These are all signs that a big life change and a huge move are just around the corner. As much as I've tried to act cool as a cucumber these last few weeks, the reality has officially set in. I feel like my life is now moving at 100 mph and I'm standing on the sidelines watching it whizz by. I hate this feeling. It's a feeling of losing control. Not so good when you're a control freak like me.

I'm sitting here grappling with why I'm feeling this way. I've done this before. I'm a moving expert. I'm the queen of change, or at least so I thought. In truth, I think the older I get the more I dislike change. Change of any kind has been harder and harder for me to handle. Am I getting more cranky and stuck in my ways as I age? I'm not really sure. I think I've just lived a life of much chaos and I'm now really starved for some groundedness and maybe even a little monotony.

Deep breaths. Deep breaths.

My thoughts are so all over the place I'm having a hard time composing a clear blog post. I will do what I always do when I'm feeling anxious, I'll head for the hills and talk to God. Outdoors is the only place to find peace and commune with my creator. It's the only place right now where I can be still.

In the meantime, do me a favor, don't sneak up behind me. My nerves are on high alert. I'm liable to lay you out with a punch or at least a blood curdling scream. You have been warned.

Some pics of how I feel:

Kitty on high alert. Don't startle me!

Don't give me any coffee. Worst idea ever!

Looks like I finally have something in common with Britney

Puttin' on my big girl panties cuz I'm all growzed up!

Wow. I can't believe it. After all the debate, work, consideration, prayer, waiting, and more prayer that went into the purchase of this house, it's finally here, the big closing day. Being a self-proclaimed commitment-a-phobe this is definitely a big ordeal for me. So, it seems only right that I should commemorate this day with a blog posting.

Today is monumental for me. Purchasing a home is unchartered territory. It always seemed like a pie in the sky ideal and something that only BORING people do because they have nothing better to do with their BORING lives than settle down into one house, get comfortable (a.k.a get more BORING), clutter up the home with a bunch of junk, and then live there rotting in boredom until one day....they DIE. Sounds terrible doesn't it? Now you can see why I never thought I'd buy a home! Ha! But seriously I've had like close to 10 years of counseling and $1,000s of dollars spent to get to the crux of why my damaged self had such thoughts.

Phew. Wow. Glad that's off my chest. Anyhoo, I really had no idea what went into the whole process of home buying. My parents never owned a home and now they live in China. That's probably why I've always been totally comfortable with the idea of renting for my entire life. Turns out purchasing a home involves a crap ton of paper work, offers and counter offers, waiting, inspections, signing papers, more waiting, approvals, money, and closing. Then, BLAM, you own a home. Here's the keys. Have fun. Wait..... What just happened?? Just kidding. :P

Our very first home.  Crazy! What's even crazier of course is the fact that we bought our first home with two other first time home owners, my in-laws. Crazy with a little side of crazy! I really never thought that I'd own a home. It feels so grown up and well......commitment like. I can't believe it! I'm seriously going to have a ridiculously cute, white, picket fence. How cliche is that?

Pajama Jama Party

Today I made the realization that since I will be living with two people other than my husband that I was in dire need of a new sleep wardrobe. It may be OK to wear ripped PJ's, shorty shorts, and see-through tank tops when I am in the company of just my husband but it certainly will NOT be acceptable to have a nipple slip in the company of the family commune. Yipes! Awkward.

So, I trashed several items that did not make the PJ cut and headed over to the local Marshalls to make some more family friendly purchases. The trip was a success. Nothing exciting to report there. Though, I have to say this whole thing got me thinking about the fact that minor things like ripped up pajamas can actually become somewhat of an issue when living in community. That in turn got me wondering about the other strange things we will encounter in the transition phase. Things that seem completely normal and legit when it's just you and your hubby but suddenly become quite inappropriate when there is a crowd.

Other things that may not be kosher to do when living in community:
- walking naked from the shower to the bedroom (imagine the horror on my in-laws faces)
- drinking directly from the milk jug or any beverage container
- using previously licked spoon to dish more hummus out of container
- having "intimate relations" in living room or other communal areas
- singing at the top of my lungs at 6am (really anything loud at that hour is probably not OK)
- pooping/peeing with the bathroom door open

I'm sure I've missed a few. Can't wait to find out what they are! Stay tuned......

Purge the Demons - The packing party has begun!

And today's demons are (drum roll please) mounds and mounds of papers. Seriously, how does this happen? How am I not buried in piles of papers? I HATE paper. The faster this world goes completely digital, the better! I just spent the better part of the day going through my office. I have probably made about 6 trips to dump shredded papers into the recycling bins and all I really have to show for my work is one measly packed box. Sheesh!

 My purging purgatory

All that work and only one box to show for it. Le sigh.....

Honestly people, I HATE moving. At last count I was up to about 25 times in my 32 short years (but you already knew that because you religiously read my blog. Right? Right?!). Anyway, It seriously has the ability to throw me into a panic attack. I think I have PTSD from all the moves over the years. I need a support group or maybe I just need to go into the fetal position for a little while and suck my thumb.

I do have to admit that even though moving has become a somewhat traumatizing experience for me I love the excitement of the unknown. Every move feels like a clean slate. A do over. I also love sifting through my crap and getting rid of stuff. What I do not love is realizing that I am an over-indulgent, pampered, wealthy, white person with the first world problem of having too many clothes and too many belongings. Kinda disturbing if ya ask me........

Anyhoo, break's over. Back to shredding!

I MUST Be Taking Crazy Pills

I can't believe I'm willingly leaving this place behind! That thought kept running through my head on the ride this morning. This is just another day in Boulder. Same ol'. Same ol'. It's always sunny here. It's always mild in temperature. It's always a good day to ride!

This is my friend and riding buddy, Kim. She is one of the people that I will have to say goodbye to. I'm gonna miss my training buddy from Jersey with the Jersey attitude. 

My heart is sad this afternoon. For what I will gain, I am giving up much. As departure becomes eminent, reality begins to set in. As much as I poke fun of Boulder, it's been a wonderful place to live for the last 2 years. I've met wonderful people. I've met some real nut jobs too, but that's beside the point. The point is, I will have to say goodbye. I may not see some of these people ever again. It hurts. I've moved over 25 times in my 32 years of life so I'm quite familiar with what saying goodbye feels like, and yet, every time, every single time it's just as painful as the first time.

I'm moving from a place of knowing to a place of unknowing. Will I like small town Indiana? What will the people be like? Will I make friends? Will I be able to live in harmony with 3 other adults under one roof? Will family and friends make up for the lack of nature and glorious weather? How will I ever survive without an organic grocery on every corner?

For now, I'm going to let this feeling ride. Even though I know this move is right, it's OK to mourn the losses that come with the change. Today I'm going to relish in the beauty of Boulder. I'm going to enjoy what I have before it's gone. I've got the afternoon free and a beautiful mountain to hike with my doggie. Here's to enjoying my last few weeks in Boulder to their fullest!

NEVER say Never

Remember when I said I would NEVER live in Indy? Whoopsie! I’m fairly certain that God has a sense of humor and that sort of commentary generally comes back to bite you in the ass. It sure has for me!

In the earlier years of my marriage it’s something that I said to Andrew all the time. Who am I kidding? I’m pretty sure I said it sometime in the last 12 months. Anyway, It was always mentioned with affirmation after visits to the area. I didn’t like the sprawl. I didn’t like the chain restaurants. I didn’t like the weather. I didn't like the downtown. I didn’t like the obesity and the list went on and on.

In any case, things change and people change. That’s one of the cool things about being human. We have free will. We can change. We can evolve. We can grow. Living in Boulder for the last 2 years has been a gift. I have changed and grown a LOT and I’ve grown into a spot where I long for family.

A short list of other things I said I would NEVER do and now subsequently do all the time:

-Stay in on Friday and/or Saturday nights (oh the horror!)

-Get married

-Be that couple that sits and watches TV all night

-Wear raggity pajamas to bed

-Leave Colorado

-Move to Indy

-Go to counseling

-Eat organic food

-Have children (I’m still working on the never part of this one but I better watch it lest I end up with a brood of children)

In all seriousness though, saying never is a dangerous place to be. It holds you back. It limits you. It keeps you from the things and places where you might truly find happiness and fulfillment. It may keep you from an amazing plan for your life. For me, part of that plan is living with and near my family whom I adore. I know there is a lot more to this story and I can’t wait to see what else God has in store.