FREE to be ME

Free to be me. 

This is my new mantra in the house. It applies to me but it also applies to everyone else in the house. EVERYone, in this krazy Kurtz Kommune, should be fully able to be fully authentic and fully themselves at all times. It's application to everyone else in the house will likely be a whole blog in of itself. Stay tuned for that one. That one will be all about me learning how not to be a judgmental asshole. Should be a fun one!

This is a snapshot of my mantra posted in my bathroom. I love to plaster verses and messages to myself all over mirrors and other obvious spots in my home. Visitors in my home must think I'm certifiably insane, but whatever, I'm just being me!

Anyway, It's strange to me how much the presence of others can influence who I am and how I behave. Sometimes this can be a good thing, like in the case of my mouth and needing to SHUT it from time to time. But I digress. The point is that I've had this epiphany that I was feeling oppressed and I was MAD about it, like seething mad and frequently irritated with everyone around me. As you can imagine, that was super pleasant to be around. I just felt suffocated, like I woke up one morning and realized that my head had been held under water for the last 4 months. Yes, it took me several months to figure this out because I'm kinda slow on the uptake when it comes to figuring out my true feelings. I was struggling with feeling like my personality was not welcome and I was blaming my feelings on everyone else in the house. Yeah. I'm really good at the blame game. I learned that one from my parents. It's not one of my best traits. But yeah, the truth is, that while some of what I was feeling from the others around me may have been real, most of it was all projection based on what I was feeling and battling inside. Some of it was likely coming from very real things going on around me, but much of it was perception based on my own inability to be completely authentic with who I am regardless of who is around me at any given time.

The realization that I truly am free to be me has been completely freeing. (Wow. That was heavy use of the word free in one sentence!) It probably seems really obvious to everyone reading this blog. Well duh! Why wouldn't you be yourself? It's silly not to be! Yes. I know that, but it's so easy for me to squelch myself based on my own perception of what personality characteristics in myself will be acceptable and unacceptable to those around me. I've gotten way better at it with age but it's still a frequent struggle.

So, here I am 5 months into this living situation trying to take back some pieces of myself, some parts of me that I felt like I allowed to get lost in the shuffle of learning to live in community with 2 new people + my hubs. See how I put the blame on myself for allowing it to happen and not on anyone else?? eh? eh? By Golly! She can learn something!

Some things about myself that I'm taking back:

- The me that LOVES to laugh and laugh RIDICULOUSLY loud (Ktina, you know what I'm talking about). I do. I love to laugh obnoxiously, people-stop-what-they-are-doing-and-stare-at-me loud. It's amazing and I love it. I'm taking it back.

-The me that loves to listen to music at all times and all hours of the day. I enjoy music. I like all kinds. I like to sing it at the top of my lungs. I like to belt it out all over the house and I like to sing it in my car. There is rarely a moment in my day when a song isn't going through my head. I love music. I'm taking it back.

-The me that enjoys doing dumb stuff simply for the entertainment factor of it. Yes. I am easily entertained/amused. Pump up some MC Hammer and do the running man all over the house? Yes please! Have an entire day in which I speak only with a British accent? Bloody heck, Yes! I'm taking it back.

-The me that loves to be a hostess. I have the gift of hospitality. I love a house that is full of bustle and chatter and laughter and excitement. I do not enjoy quiet. I love a good party. I want to have a house full of guests with food in their bellies and conversation on their lips, playing games, and truly enjoying one another's company. I like to make people feel welcome. I'm taking it back.

-The me that values raw, organic, and completely authentic emotion no matter how uncomfortable it can make the people around me. I've just spent so much of my life being told that my feelings were invalid that I'm over it. I'm ready to be real and to stop putting on that fake veneer of everything's all good all the time or whatever. If I'm overflowing with gladness I want to yell it out from the rooftops. If I'm aching with sadness from a recent pain, I want to share that and expose it. I just want to let emotions flow and not be afraid of their effect on everyone else around me. I'm taking it back.

-The me that lives for trying new things, meeting new people, eating new foods, engaging with others on a regular basis, laughing until my sides hurt, finding and exploring new towns and parks, adventuring outdoors, being active all of the time. I'm taking these back.

I feel like this blog isn't very cohesive but I guess what I'm really trying to say is that I'm moving towards a place of acceptance for who God created me to be. The me that is unique and special and created for a very unique purpose that only I can fulfill. No one else will do. I don't want to squelch that person anymore. I gotta be me!

For you created my inmost being; 

you knit me together in my mother's womb. 

I praise you because I am fearfully and 

wonderfully made; 

your works are wonderful, 

I know that full well. 

-Psalm 139:13-14