We just got through a commune Thanksgiving. It was lovely. We shared it with the 4 of us in the commune plus my mother-in-law and father-in-law and my brother-in-law, sister-in-law, and there two beautiful daughters. Side note, they are now teenagers which is slight terrifying due to the fact that they walked as flower girls in my wedding eight years ago. At that time they were adorable, pudgy cheeked little girls. Now they are beautiful dancers and soccer players and they wear bras and stylish clothes and makeup and I'm their old Aunt that says, "I remember when you were little girls in my wedding...blah...blah...blah", but I digress....
Today I felt compelled to share something that I wrote last night. I'm not sure why I want to share it, but here I am.....
Over the course of the last year and a half God has been teaching me a lot about who I am. He has been using this communal living situation to strip away some not so nice things that really needed to go. At times, It's been downright hard/painful but I'm learning to appreciate the journey over the final destination. I'm learning to appreciate the God I serve who loves me so much that he doesn't want to leave me where he found me. He wants to grow me and stretch me and challenge me to become more like his son, Jesus. Through the course of this last year I've learned a lot about myself, who I am, what my gifts are, where my passions lie, and how I want to spend what little time I have living life to the fullest. Yes, the commune has spurred much of this on in my life. Another way that God has been growing me is he's been giving me perspective and the eyes to see and even appreciate differences in my commune members. I'm not sure why it's so hard for me to accept that people don't have to be just like me. I'm not sure why I struggle with being judgmental of others actions? The truth is, if we were all the same, with the same personalities, the same goals, and the same gifts, and passions, this world would be downright boring and we'd probably never accomplish anything because we wouldn't have others to counter our weaknesses with their strengths.
I apologize. I'm REALLY rambling today. I'm gonna get down to sharing what I originally wanted to share. Here it is. Please, be kind......I'm rusty. :)
The Boat
Matthew 14:22-33
Today I am contemplating the story of Jesus walking on the
water and his disciple, Peter, jumping into the water to meet him. I relate to
and LOVE Peter in this moment. It seems he’s the kind of guy who is a bit
impulsive. He leaps before he looks. He leaps before he has the time to think.
Sometimes I am just like Peter. His heart for following Jesus with a kind of
recklessness speaks to a place in my soul. I so love Peter in this story. It
seems that his heart is in the right place. He knows what it’s like to be in
the presence of God, and now that he knows it, he wants nothing more than to be
right by Jesus, wherever he would call him. He’s willing. He’s ready. Wherever
Jesus is, that’s where he wants to be.
There are those in life who are too scared to get out of the
boat. They are what I call, "The Freezers". They need to heed Jesus’ call to
“come”. They need a proverbial shove. "The Freezers" can wait for that perfect
moment for so long that they actually miss it when God calls them out upon the
water. What is it holding them back? I don’t know. I believe it is probably
fear, the fear of the unknown. That water, it looks pretty dark and deep and
cold! Who knows what could be lurking underneath that blackness. What if Jesus
isn’t really there to catch me? What if
I get hurt? What if I drown? What if I get lost? What if I’m mistaken? What if
Jesus isn’t really calling me out onto the water? What if? What if? What if? "The
Freezers" will question and “what if” themselves into a fearful paralysis of
inaction. They have become frozen, frozen in fear.
There are those of us in life that are eager to jump out of
the boat. They are what I call, "The Jumpers". I am a jumper. I am always
ready, with my feet on the bow, ready. I keep jumping out of the boat. Where
Jesus is, that’s exactly where I want to be. If he's walking on the water, I'm goin' there too! I leap. I am willing. I don’t always look.
Often times in my excitement I preemptively come out of that boat. I haven’t earned my walking-on-water-legs yet. I forget to wait for Jesus’ call. I keep
jumping out yelling for him, “Jesus! Jesus! Here I am! Send me! I’m ready!” And
he keeps telling me, “Abby! Get back in that boat! Stop jumping out! It’s not
time! You’re not ready for what I have for you yet! They’re not ready for this
yet! I’m making a way. We are making a way together but it’s simply not time
yet. Get back in that boat!”
From the outside "The Jumper" looks very brave, but when you
look a little bit closer you can discern that "The Jumper" is often buried in just
as much fear as "The Freezer". "The Jumper" in me can often be filled with anxiety
and fear. To be sure, it’s a different kind of fear than "The Freezer", but it's fear none the less. There is
a fear of missing out on what God has for me, a fear of looking back in regret
over a life not lived to it’s fullest potential, a fear that other’s fears will
hold me back, a fearful need to figure it all out, a deep need to know how God
will orchestrate all the pieces, from my human perspective it doesn’t make
sense. I want it now. If I’m not careful I can start looking to my own way. Just
like Peter I can easily take my eyes off of Jesus. I begin to try to
orchestrate the pieces my way and just like Peter, when I take my eyes off of
Christ I sink.
So, I get impatient and I jump. Jumping before His perfect
timing is just as disobedient as not jumping. Both "The Jumper" and "The Freezer" are looking to their own way, their own interests, desires, and wants. "The Jumper" doesn't wait on the Lord and "The Freezer" just keeps waiting. They are
unable to take hold of God’s hand because they are too busy clutching at their
own way. They are unwilling to let go of their own control, look to him, and trust him with every detail.
There is absolute purpose and joy in the journey. I must
remember this. So, for today, I climb back into my boat. Today I will not jump.
I will rest in him and in the truth that the God of this universe, the Alpha
& the Omega, the great I AM can surely handle and remove all obstacles. He
can surely trim and prune what needs trimming and pruning in my life and those
around me. He can open and close any doors along the path that he so chooses.
He will make a way. He is the God of yesterday, today, and tomorrow and
especially of this moment right here. Right now. So, for today God has tenderly
placed me back in my boat, he has lovingly dried me off, and he has reassured
me again (with the endless patience that only he possesses) that I am right
where he wants me to be. Right in this moment. Right now.
I am leaning on Him, trusting that whatever he has planned for my future and the future of the commune he will bring it to pass and no one will stand in his ways.
These are the words of Him who is holy and true, who holds the key of
David. What he opens no one can shut, and what he shuts no one can open. I know
your deeds. See, I have placed before you an open door that no one can shut.
–Revelation 3:7 & 8
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