Sticks and Stones

You know that old childhood saying about sticks and stones breaking bones but words not hurting? If not, here's a quick reminder:

"Sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me"

 Picture some bratty kid saying that with their tongue sticking out. They'd also probably follow it up with some version of "nah nah nah nah boo boo!"

What a pile of bologna! As everyone has experienced, words can hurt just as deep as any bruise and sometimes worse because their scars are not outwardly noticeable.

Well unfortunately for me, OK it's not really unfortunate, but it is hard. God's got his eye on continuing to work on my sharp and prickly edges and he's using my fellow commune mates to expose where I need to change. I have too sharp of a tongue. I let hurtful words fly out of my mouth without giving a moments notice. It usually happens when I'm irritated or even pissed about something. I need to find the balance and learn to control my tongue. It's not that anger is bad. I think that we place a negative connotation around anger as an emotion. It too, like sadness or joy, is a valid emotion and one that Jesus himself even experienced. Seriously, read the story in Matthew about him flipping over tables at the temple. Dude was pissed. The difference is, Jesus didn't sin in his anger. Can't say the same about myself. Yipes! I need to learn how to express my anger in a more constructive manner and one that doesn't directly hurt other people.

The nasty part about this unveiling is that I have learned that I am extremely adept at giving a good tongue lashing. This is not a status that I am proud of having acquired. If I'm honest with myself, I probably started honing my skills many years ago and have worked pretty hard at them ever since.

Growing up, anger and rage were the only "allowed" emotions in my family. Sorrow, fear, and anxiety need not apply. For whatever reason, actively expressing those particular emotions was not allowed. These were always answered away and you were constantly given a reason for why you, in fact, did not have those particular feelings. In general, feelings weren't really allowed in our house but somehow anger and rage made the cut. Perhaps these emotions were OK because they shielded your vulnerable side. I can't really say.

At any rate, when you grow up in a family in which barking at one another and anger outbursts are a common occurrence you naturally begin to develop a pretty thick skin. As a result, you become desensitized to the power of your words. For many years I have often thought that everyone else should just toughen up and that they were the ones in need of a change, and not me. Surely, not me! Can we say pride much? Yeah well, as I've said it before God seems to have a sense of humor and he's pretty good at knocking us down a few notches when there's something that we need to change in our lives. My commune partners in crime have been brave enough to confront me with the times that I have hurt them and to make me aware that my words do have meaning and power. So, I went ahead and followed that up with a good punching in their face. um...what? Just kidding! Let me tell you though, confrontation really SUCKS, probably for them too. It's never easy to confront someone as you never really know how they will respond.

I wish that I could say that this realization has led to an immediate change of behavior. It has not. It is a work in progress. Isn't that life for ya? We're always a work in progress. I am currently trying to think of ways to allow my anger to come out. I don't want to suppress my anger, but at the same time it needs to come out in a less harmful manner.

Got any anger expulsion ideas for me? Here in the commune we have often joked about having a "freak out garage". You would go in there and scream your head off and them come back out feeling refreshed. Ha! I wonder if that would work? I've also always really wanted to break something. I would just love to have a cement wall that I could throw plates into, or better yet, delicate wine glasses. oooh.  Wouldn't that be rewarding? Only problem would be having the endless supply of glassware to break. That might get a little costly. How about something that I could yell out into the air that wouldn't be directed at any one person? Trust me, I can swear like a sailor so I'm trying to think of something that might not involve swear words. :)

I'll let you know if I come up with anything. In the meantime I'll leave you with the verse that has given me a lot of comfort during this time.

Being confident of this, that he who started a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus 

-Phillipians 1:6

What this verse means to me is that I can and will be able to change because of the work of grace. This is a huge encouragement to me. It's so easy to feel trapped and defeated, like we will never be any different, that we cannot change, but that my friends is a lie.